Final rant on “friends”
published on 14.10.2025 in Private ・
I find it really weird when people go to search for who you’ve blocked and etc. It feels like my privacy has been invaded in a way. Or it feels like it’s a prelude to a planned drama. So I always feel put on the spot when someone, who is mutual friends with an x friend, asks me why I have them(the x friend) blocked.
When I have someone blocked, it’s not because I harbor anymore hatred towards them(at first it was), It’s mostly bc I know a lot of them still do towards me(as I have seen recently when someone tried to turn my friend against me by claiming I said they traced, or I saw evidence of smack-talk behind my back at one point about my art like saying things like I “fell off” and etc while still following me and liking my art. Made me feel disgusted, and looking back I can’t believe I surrounded my self with these types of people and allowed myself to play yes-man bc I wanted attention and to impress them..)
Honestly, It’s a huge factor of why I’ve started over and re-branded. I’ve also deactivated(might come back) my Bluesky minus my GR account, a lot of inter-twining with my old(noxi-yajuu era) followers are still there, Even though I harbor no more resentment, I have zero trust in anyone. I don’t know which mutual friends are in cahoots. When I was a friend with them, they would hate-watch people to keep an eye on them so they shit talk in private, not just to me but would do it to their own friends as well, I was no different. I wouldn’t be surprised if these 30-somethings were still doing that with people they fell off with. So when a friend confronts me about “why do you have them blocked” how do I know this person isn’t going to run their mouth off? It’s impossible to tell when they are all connected to each other? But it’s taught me a valuable lesson. As much as it hurt, I’m glad I went through it, because it’s allowed me to be humbled and grow from it.
And as much as it hurt to lose people I genuinely cared about despite the petty drama, it’s taught me an important lesson on how to identify an acquaintance from a friend. If I was properly socialized as a kid, I probably would have made the connection earlier and treated people appropriately instead of believing that everyone who was nice to me or is friendly with me is a “Friend.” But it just so-happened I had to learn my lesson in my 30’s. Better late than ever. I don’t want to stay the same clingly, manipulative, attention-seeking, annoying POS I used to be.
Talking about my old self is like I’m talking about another person, lol. How do you expect people to grow or progress if you do not tell them what is wrong? Confrontation is tough, sure, but communication is absolutely important. But, I learned how to tell the difference between a friend and an acquaintance. A friend cares enough about you to not allow you to make a fool of yourself. Will stick with you till the end or they will at the very least confront you if they have an issue. While an acquaintance won’t, as it is a very surface-level relationship, friendly, doesn’t have to be formal, but I will be talking to anyone I perceive as an acquaintance in a friendly, but formal manner from this point on. Being someone who was abused as a kid, was bullied in school, and my only real friends (aside from one or two IRL ones) were people I met online(these people are still friends with me, btw, 20 whole years later, THAT is a friend. They saw my worst and still stayed..
When you grow up with lack of attention, anyone friendly can seem like a “Friend” to you, so I became very attached to a lot of people online. I over-shared, was super weird and awkward bc being weird gave me attention.. Unfortunately that attachment was one-sided for the most part, especially during the.. 2013-2019 era of my life…
So I just don’t want my art or any of my posts to show up on their TL to remind them I exist. hence why I still have a lot of these people blocked. If I have added someone to the block list, it’s probably bc I saw u say some shit about me, that’s it. I’m not going to argue. If you don’t like my shit and I find out, I’m blocking you to make the job easier for you.
Honestly, I don’t want attention anymore, which is also the reason why I re-branded. Used to want to be popular and all that but, I don’t want or care for it anymore. I just want to quietly work on my comic, and talk about my OCs with people who genuinely like them.. Have me small, niche audience and just survive off that. I don’t really care about anything beyond that aside from collaborating with my friends on their projects. Look, I have a serious health issue that takes top priority, I don’t care about drama anymore, I’ve learned from my past fuck-ups and mistakes before I got my diagnosis. I was going through a year of self-reflection before I came to this whole conclusion. I don’t want to be bothered with most people anymore, which is why I deleted my old twitter/x account with 5k followers. The most I ever had, the most I will ever get. But it was built from being pretentious. It kept me stagnant. As above, so below, I got what I put out, and now I reaped what I have sown.
I hope my new audience are here bc they genuinely like art. I make art for myself now, and who ever stumbles across it and genuinely likes it, that would make me happy. But it’s ok if my art doesn’t get thousands of reblogs/RTs/reposts/likes, etc. Seeing the 5 people that always like every single pic I post is enough 🙂
The old followers who genuinely like my art will find their way back to my art, as they should know the name of my comic and website.